Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which before their union were not perceived to have any relation.
When you fish for love bait with your heart not your brain.
What a wee little part of a person's life are his acts and his words! His real life is led in his head and is known to none but himself.
To succeed in life you need two things: ignorance and confidence.
When we remember we are all mad the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
I must have a prodigious quantity of mind it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up.
You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach but it must do both if it would live forever.
The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow there is no humor in Heaven.
Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.
Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.
Lord save us all from a hope tree that has lost the faculty of putting out blossoms.
The very ink with which history is written is merely fluid prejudice.
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want drink what you don't like and do what you'd rather not.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
There are people who can do all fine and heroic things but one - keep from telling their happiness to the unhappy.
My books are like water those of the great geniuses are wine. (Fortunately) everybody drinks water.
I am an old man and have known a great many troubles but most of them never happened.
My mother had a great deal of trouble with me but I think she enjoyed it.
Laws control the lesser man... Right conduct controls the greater one.
Loyalty to the country always. Loyalty to the government when it deserves it.
Patriotism is supporting your country all the time and your government when it deserves it.
What a good thing Adam had. When he said a good thing he knew nobody had said it before.
To be good is noble but to show others how to be good is nobler and no trouble.